The Inheritance Cycle Comedy
by DarkPaladin000
Summary: A story in which Eragon is a billionaire crybaby, Roran's hooked to steroids, Garrow is a crime lord, Arya is a cosplayer, and so much more.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This is all supposed to be a comedy. All rights of the Inheritance cycle belong to Christopher Paolini.**

Some people are born great.

And then there's Eragon. Even before he was born, he was deemed the biggest loser in Carvahall and won the title consecutively every year. You'd think being a billionaire would have somehow cheered him up, but in reality most of the money was just used by his father Garrow and brother Roran. Garrow mainly used it to escape from the police and expand his crime ring, and Roran mainly used it to invest in various steroids.

Despite all of that, people still liked Roran way better than they did Eragon. Eventually Eragon got tired of all of the attention that his brother got and decided to go into the woods to hunt a deer and show everyone just how much more of a man he was.

Unfortunately, Eragon was really unprepared. Half of his belongings were electronics (Ipads, a Macbook, a plasma screen television, etc.) and Eragon had already spent half a day trying to figure out where the sockets were in the woods.

Eventually, he ran out of food and decided that stealing from girl scouts was his only option. However, they just beat him up. Now, since it is very sad to see a fifteen-year-old boy on his knees crying and begging some girl scouts for a favor, they agreed to help him.

The deer that Eragon was pursuing was a really fat and unrealistically obese one, probably because it spent its time wandering around eating leftovers from McDonald's, but Eragon still had a hard time trying to track it.

But then, one day while the deer was munching on a Big Mac, Eragon knocked his bow. Today was the day. He had spent fifteen years of humiliation under Roran, but now all of that was going to change. He let the arrow go, and it would have definitely sunk into the deer's neck.

You know, if there hadn't been an explosion that caused the deer to bolt and Eragon's arrow to miss by an inch. Eragon spent the next three hours cursing and swearing, and later on the owners of the restaurant would get an uncomfortable feeling that there was a rather ill-mannered ghost out back.

Still, Eragon was smart enough to try and figure out what had caused that explosion.

"If this was another bomb test by the U.S. military, I swear I'm going to grab Obama and-" Eragon stopped muttering as he saw that there was a small stone there. And not just any stone, Eragon knew exactly what this was. A dragon egg.

Just then all of his doubts disappeared. With this egg, he would go and become a dragon rider! And then, he would go and become a total hero and Roran would totally be jealous of him.

In the end, he decided that he would just go and buy some meat from Sloan's and try to pass it off as stuff that he had hunted and got. After all, there was no way that Roran of all people could possible know the difference.

Thing was though, that he was slightly apprehensive about going into Sloan's shop. It wasn't that Sloan hated him. Actually, it was the exact opposite, and that was what made Eragon nervous. Sloan had confessed to Eragon last year, but Eragon was sure that over this lengthy span of time Sloan had finally gotten over it.

Eragon walked into the shop and Sloan was next to him in under point three seconds.

"Hey there Eragon! Long time no see! Did you notice my new haircut? I got it at…" Sloan rambled like this for around fifteen minutes before Eragon shot him down and gave him his platinum credit card.

Sloan swiped the card, all while seeming depressed, and said, "Your card is invalid. It isn't working."

Eragon didn't see how that was possible, unless Sloan had been ordering hookers on it again, but he was sure that that wasn't the case. "Shoot, I don't have money on me right now."

Sloan's eyes brightened. "You know, there's another way that you can pay me."

Eragon was out of the shop in record time. It was better to go home humiliated than whatever Sloan was planning to do to him.

He then made his way towards his mansion. It was a long ways from Carvahall, and Garrow liked to keep it like that so that they would always have a good head start whenever the cops came around.

Waiting at the front of the mansion, was Eragon's jerk brother, Roran himself. He was muscular to the point of it being an abomination, largely because of all the steroid he consumed. Eragon was hoping everyday that the side effects of them would get rid of him someday.

"Look at the legendary hunter himself, come back with his invisible prey," Roran said smirking. Eragon really wanted to punch him but didn't. It wasn't that Eragon was _afraid _of fighting Roran, seriously, that would have been ridiculous. It was just that Eragon was sure that Roran was autistic and didn't want to beat him up.

Even though Roran had an IQ of around 15 and couldn't tie his shoes, for some reason everyone in town loved him. All the girls swooned after him, all guys wanted to be him, yada yada, you know, that sort of stuff.

"Why are there the sounds of children crying?" Eragon asked rather than reply to Roran.

"Oh that," Roran said. "That's just some children he's locked up in the basement."

Eragon shuddered. He had for a long time suspected that Garrow was a Pedo, but didn't know that he would stoop that low.

Roran guessed what Eragon was thinking. "Anyway, all those kids are bought from the guys down at Carvahall. They make way too many kids and Garrow's just taking them."

There was something really messed up with that, Eragon thought. But then again, there was just something really messed up with Garrow in general. Seriously, even though he had loads of money, why did he go around doing all sorts of weird criminal stuff?

Anyway, night soon came and they all sat down for dinner. Garrow mainly talked during this time about his life as a crime lord and made it sound way more glorious than it really was. Seriously, the only thing was that life in Carvahall made it so that farming was impossible, so it just ended up being a big drug and human trafficking town.

"Why didn't my credit card work?" Eragon asked.

"Oh that," Garrow said. "You see, I have to tell you a few things son. First of all, you're adopted."

Eragon then did a spit-take. "What? But, but you said that-"

Garrow waved him down. "Regardless of what I said, you're adopted. And another thing, all of our money really comes from stuff that your mother left you. You see though, she entrusted me with all her money for some reason, and we've decided that we're going to kick you out of the family."

Eragon was speechless. He had to say something fast. "But-but, I found this dragon egg while hunting! That means I'm a rider now!"

Roran and Garrow both looked at the rock and laughed so hard that both of them fell out of their chairs.

"Really?" Garrow said in-between chuckles. "A dragon egg? Do you believe in the tooth fairy as well?"

"And Santa Claus!" Roran chimed in, which Eragon thought was dumb since Roran hadn't stopped believing in him just six months ago.

Eragon's faced burned and he actually began crying. "Don't say that! I know dragon riders are real!"

"Aww, look, he's crying," Garrow said. "Why don't you go home to your mommy little boy? Oh yeah, you don't have one!"

Eragon sobbed and ran outside the room with the other two still chuckling their heads off. He would've probably left the house too if he hadn't ran into their lawyer on the way out.

"Hello there Eragon," the lawyer said in a monotonous voice. "I have a few things to tell you about your mother's will."

Eragon suppressed a sniffle. "Will you help me get her fortune back?"

The lawyer snorted. "Of course not kiddo, I'm a lawyer and I've been paid huge amounts by Garrow to make sure you get nothing. However, I am obliged to tell you that your mother left a loophole just in case something like this happened. You can get your fortune back."

Eragon immediately stopped sobbing. "Really? How?"

"Oh nothing," the lawyer said. "It's just that if you manage to defeat Galbatorix, become head of the dragon riders, and manage to marry an elven princess, you can have it back."

"What?" Eragon said. "But that's impossible!"

The lawyer nodded and ran off to go take a ride in his newly purchased BMW.

Eragon spent the remainder of the night sniffling like a three-year-old who didn't get what he wanted for Christmas. As a matter of fact, even a three-year-old would have been embarrassed at how much Eragon was crying.

He then quite pathetically turned his eyes towards the sky and noticed the stars. Sobbing, he said, "My mommy said that if you wish on a star, all your dweams will come twoo. I wanna have my money back, I hate dat jerk Wowran and Gawwow. My mommy told me that if I ever got lonely and shad, I could go and wish on a staw."

Just then, he heard a few sounds coming from the rock. He whirled around, and astonished, he noticed that the stone was breaking.

Eragon just stared at the egg as a whole new creature came out. It was a dragon! A real dragon!

And then, the dragon actually talked to him.

_What was that?_

"What was what?" Eragon asked.

_No, like seriously, I've spent an eternity in that egg waiting for the right time to get out. But then, you had to pick me up._

"Does dat mean I'm special?" Eragon asked. "My mommy always shaid I was special."

_Hell no! _the baby dragon said. _I just couldn't stand you and actually had to come out just to shut you up! Why are you even talking like a five-year-old princess in a Disney movie anyway? Come on, now, it is time for us to take over the world._

**A/N: And there we end it. Comments are appreciated, and if you can't spare those, just type in 'LOL' in the review box if you thought it was funny. It only takes a few seconds you know.**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: So, thanks guys for those reviews. And yes, I'll be continuing.**

It was then that Saphira realized just what she had done. _Oh no, this is terrible._

"Why?" Eragon asked.

_Don't you get it? I was trapped in that egg for centuries because I was waiting for the perfect hero to show up. I could've hatched for a lot of elves and smart people, and I was biding my time waiting for the right person to come along. All of that, a hundred years of waiting, and you just had to go and ruin it. I just couldn't stand your stupidity and I just had to come back out of my egg so I could hit you. Now what do I do?_

Eragon had understood none of that, but an idea came to him. You see, Eragon only talks like a baby when he's severely depressed, in case you all are wondering how his speech pattern just changed.

"You're the solution to all my problems!" Eragon said and he sounded pretty happy. Even Saphira forgot to be annoyed for the moment.

"Well, you see, you're the only dragon egg in this world besides two others," Eragon said. "You're the last free dragon. And you hatched for me. So, what I'll do is let you grow up, and then I'll slaughter you and sell your dragon meat on the black market as well as your other talons and stuff. Then, with that money I'll go ahead and invest it all in Bear Stearns, and there's no way I could possibly lose money doing that. Then, I'll just buy out my uncle and Roran."

Saphira then proceeded to give Eragon a much needed tail in the face, but when Eragon grabbed her the whole marking thing with the Silver Palm happened.

"It hurts," Eragon said while staring at the mark in his right palm. It sort of sounded like a kindergartner saying "I got a boo-boo."

Saphira then realized what had happened. _I've bonded with a retarded loser!_

Eragon wondered why Saphira was misbehaving. "Is it because I don't have enough badges to train you?"

Then, it dawned on Saphira. This told Saphira that she wasn't bonded to any old retarded loser.

She was bound to a _hardcore _retarded loser.

And then she remembered that he had lost all of his money as well so he didn't even have that. She would've killed him if it wasn't for the fact that they were connected. Instead, she just hurled insults at him until he began to cry again.

"It's not my fault I'm like dish," Eragon said. "When I was a kid I twied to bwing my mommy back to life using alchemy through human transmutation, but it went howibbly wrong and they say I lost a part of my brain due to dat."

Saphira just stared at him, dumfounded. _That explains so much, and yet so little._

Then, Eragon snapped out of his crybaby mode and had what he thought was a brilliant idea. "Okay, why don't we let you grow bigger, and then we can open up a traveling circus with you as the main attraction. People will come from all over to see you perform. What tricks do you know? Can you roll over or sit? Can you shake hands?"

Saphira, by that point, was wondering which method of suicide would kill her fastest.

"Or," Eragon said, "if you don't like that idea we could go and kidnap a leprechaun and then ask for one metric ton of gold as ransom. Anyway though, we need to give you a name. I'll call you Pikabloo, because you're blue."

Saphira snapped out of her misery to say, _If you call me that again, I will bite your head off even if we are connected._

* * *

Eragon decided after all of that that he needed to go take a walk. He had tried to fit Saphira into a Pokeball that he had bought once but it didn't work out so well and so he was walking around with several scratches and bruises. Saphira was probably raiding the fridge or something back at the mansion.

He then had the misfortune of walking into Brom.

You see, Brom was pretty much the only recipient of Garrow's various drug heists. Once again, Eragon had no idea why Garrow wanted to pretend to be a drug lord when he had so much cash, and last that Eragon could figure out, Garrow was losing money selling stuff to Brom, but did it anyway. Brom was addicted to pretty much every single drug you can think of, and several that you can't or don't even know of, including something called Upper House Vodka. He often spent time wandering around Carvahall talking about people named Tolkien, George Lucas, and Christopher Paolini, whoever they were.

"Hey there," Brom said. Lately, his new addiction was to Oreos, but he somehow still looked as crazy as ever.

"Go away!" Eragon said. "Who do you think you are? Stop taking away my screen time. This whole story is supposed to be about me."

"Please," Brom said. "I'm like the Obi-Wan Kenobi of this story, and sort of like the Darth Vader too, because Luke, I am your father." He pointed at Eragon meaningfully.

"Please," Eragon said. "If you were actually my father I'm jump off a cliff."

This seemed to sadden Brom. "You know, when I die you're really going to miss me."

"W'ever," Eragon said and walked away.

Along the way he made a point to skirt along Sloan's shop. But then, he noticed that there were actual people in the shop besides Sloan. No one ever went into the shop after Eragon became a regular, so Eragon decided to peek through the windows to see what they were doing. Why did he do this? The world may never know, but it is important to the plot, so pay attention.

There were two hooded people talking to Sloan. This might have put Sloan off, but the thing was that he had no contact with normal people so he wasn't bothered.

"I'm sorry, but who are you and how may I help you?" Sloan asked. The two hooded people seemed to have been waiting for that very moment. Suddenly, music started blaring out of nowhere.

"Prepare for trouble!"

"Make it double!"

"To protect the world from devastation!"

"To unite all peoples within our nation!"

"To denounce the evils of truth and love!"

"To extend out reach to the stars above!"

"Jessie!" the female Ra'zac said.

"James!" the male added.

"Team Ra'zac, blast off at the speed of light!"

"Surrender now, or prepare to fight!"

They both then struck ridiculous poses.

"That's nice," Sloan said. "But I think your whole introduction is missing something."

"I know," James said. "It's like we need some sort of talking animal or something like that to finish it up. Anyway, right down to business."

"Wait," Sloan said. "So you guys are Team Ra'zac? You mean those guys that go around eating human flesh and bone?"

'That's disgusting," Jessie said.

"Yeah man," James said. "Don't tell anyone, but boss Giovan- I mean Galbatorix just likes to keep that thing up for our PR. Otherwise, we're actually vegetarians, a far healthier way of life you know."

"Which is why you're in a shop that sells meat," Sloan said. "That makes real sense."

"Look," Jessie said. "We're here to talk about a dragon egg."

Sloan then perked up. "Yeah, Eragon was in here yesterday with something like that."

Just then, Eragon was wondering just how Sloan knew that he had a dragon egg. As far as he knew, he had never shown him that.

"It should be here," Sloan said. He then pulled out various photos of Eragon, one when he was five, at all his birthday parties, when he was in his bedroom, and even a few in the shower.

_That pervert stalker's bugged my room!_ Eragon realized.

"Oh look," Sloan said. "Here's one that shows him with the dragon egg hatching."

"This is serious," James said. Both the Ra'zac then left.

_Oh no_, Eragon thought. _Galbatorix has already sent his comic relief characters after me. Things must really be getting serious for that to happen. Why couldn't this just be like the book and take like thirty chapters before something real happens?_

Eragon then decided that he would do the mature thing to do in a situation like this: Start crying and run around randomly in circles.

Now, Eragon was easily not the luckiest person in the world. As a matter of fact, Roran had once taken his photo of Eragon, photoshopped it a little, and then posted all the unlucky things that had happened to Eragon on the Internet. The photos became viral and lead to what is now known as the Bad Luck Brian meme.

So, it was no surprise to Eragon to find out that he gotten lost in around five minutes. What was a surprise though was that he found something on the ground. A shiny something.

It was a sword, with a ruby the size of an egg at the hilt and a blade as red as blood. There was also a matching sheath which was as red as wine, or cherry flavored Kool-Aid, your pick.

"I now have a sword," Eragon said. He then picked it up and sheathed it. He then knew that he had to ask somebody about it, but who? Only one person came to mind, and that was because everyone else hated Eragon and he wasn't going back to Sloan, so there was only Brom to ask left. Maybe he'd be sober, after all, he was only addicted to Oreos.

Eragon walked into Brom's house. Brom had no money to buy a real house since all of it went towards drugs, so he lived in a giant Barbie doll house instead. The house had been made by Eragon's mom when she had though she was going to have a daughter, so it was thrown out later and Brom decided to make use of it.

Eragon walked in. Brom got no visitors so he didn't kick him out, and invited him to sit and have some fruit.

Eragon bit into one before he realized that they were all plastic and then promptly spat them out.

"So," Eragon said. "I wanted to ask you about this sword."

The moment that Eragon showed Brom the blade, Brom fell out of his chair and onto the floor laughing.

"What's so funny?" Eragon asked.

Once Brom's chuckles subsided, he got up. "You, my boy, have found Zar'roc. Oh god, your life is totally over now."

"Why?" Eragon asked. "Isn't it unbreakable and immune to destruction and all?"

Brom snorted. "That's true, but it's also cursed!"

"What?" Eragon asked.

"How do you think Vrael and a lot of the other Riders died? They were killed because they decided to use that sword." Brom said. "You see, long ago, the Riders would get their own swords made after their training was complete, but then the economy went bad and they didn't have enough money to make more. So, they asked Rhunön to make one that would be able to change hands when a Rider dies, you know, like a recyclable sword. But then, something went horribly wrong while it was forged, and Zar'roc was the result of that. Why do you think it's named Zar'roc, or misery? It's because that's all it ever gives to those who wield it. Then, once it kills a Rider, it vanishes and presents itself to someone else, and then the cycle continues again."

"But I thought Vrael died because Galbtorix tricked him," Eragon said. It was widely known that Vrael had fallen because Galbatorix had kicked him in the place where no one should be kicked, that's right, he was kicked in the shins.

"That's just propaganda," Brom said. "What really happened was that the sword failed somehow at the last moment and then Galbatorix killed him."

"Wasn't Zar'roc Morzan's blade though?" Eragon asked.

"Yeah," Brom said. "And look what happened to him. Do you know how I killed him? He was coming at me and I had been totally defeated and out of options and I thought I was a goner, but then he stabbed himself with that sword. Lucky for me, and now it seems to have come to you."

"Why don't I just throw it away?" Eragon asked.

"You can't," Brom said. "It'll just reappear again. And it'll break any other weapon that you might want to pick up so you'll have to use it. Like I said, it's cursed."

Eragon then began crying again. "I'm so unlucky."

"There, there, you're not that unlucky," Brom said. "Didn't you win that lottery that one time, and then you were featured on television and all?"

"That was the Reaping for the Hunger Games," Eragon sobbed.

**A/N: So that ends another chapter. Thank you all for your reviews again, and if you enjoyed this and can't bother to write a full review, just type 'LOL' and leave it at that. Dragonlord Stephi, I trust you're okay with the reference to Upper House Vodka? And Bere, yeah, it is great to read a nice parody when you're depressed and all. I'm glad I could put a smile on your face.**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: So, I'm glad to see that you all liked the last chapter. Once again, I don't own Inheritance and all works referenced belong to their respectful owners.**

Last off, we left with Eragon moaning about his bad luck. But what if there was someone as equally frustrated, far away from Carvahall? We now bring you to take a look at the day of Durza, a Shade in service of the Empire.

Today, he was going to see that elven princess that they had captured. He walked over to her cell to see something weird.

First of all, she was wearing some sort of wig. Not to mention that, the entire cell was decorated way different from how it was supposed to be. For one, the cell was supposed to be a cold, hard place with nothing in it. Now, it had green drapes all around and there were flowers on the floor.

"What is this?" Durza asked the guard on duty.

"Eh," the guard mumbled. Durza cursed under his breath, these soldiers really needed to have more respect for him. "She said she was pretending to be Sleeping Beauty and just decided to lie down over there."

Just then, Durza noticed that there was a suitcase on the floor of the cell and it was overflowing with more clothes than he thought was even possible to stuff in such a small bag.

"Who gave authorization for her to have that in there?" Durza shouted at the guard.

"Eh," he said.

Durza screamed. Normally he would have just killed people for that sort of thing, but apparently the soldiers were on some sort of pension plan and life insurance that meant that killing them would cost way too much for Galbatorix so that total cheapskate had forbidden it.

"What happened?" the elf mumbled. She got up and took off her wig before she saw Durza. "Is that Edward Cullen?"

Durza screamed again. For some reason, he was extremely pale but his hair wasn't red like a normal Shade's. The doctor's had said that it had something to do with his family genetics, but that just meant that for some weird reason he looked like that idiot vampire from those Twilight books. Initially he hadn't even known about them until his condition and everyone started pointing it out, so then he had actually read them and he could definitely say that the whole books were total crap. Like seriously, since when did vampires sparkle?

"No," Durza muttered. "I am not Edward. I am a Shade, and in case you haven't noticed, you've been kidnapped." He glared at her. "Aren't you scared?"

"Nope," Arya said. "As a matter of fact I get kidnapped every other week, so I'm sort of used to it by now. I remember that one time that I was wearing a blonde wig and a pink dress and this weird fire breathing turtle came over who called himself Bowser. That was strange."

Durza grunted. He hadn't seen something like this coming. Then there was only one thing left to do, he had to bring out the torture devices.

"Get the torture devices," the Shade hissed to the guard.

"Eh," the guard said. "We sold all of them."

"What?" Durza said. "Who gave you that sort of authorization?"

"Eh," the guard said. "We sort of formed a union around a week ago, and we decided collectively to sell all of those useless torture weapons so we could go buy Pokemon cards."

"WHAT?" Durza screamed. "What's this nonsense about a union? Who let you organize one?"

"Eh," the guard said and handed Durza a photocopy of some document. It was a whole plan for forming a union and it had his signature on it somehow. Vaguely, Durza remembered signing something like this, but that was when he was brining the elf to her prison and wasn't really paying attention. Those guards must have sprung the document when he was distracted as part of their plan, Durza realized.

"But why did you sell the torture devices?" Durza asked.

"Eh," the guard said. "We hadn't used them for like three weeks and a then the Dragon's Rage Pokemon booster pack just came out and the budget didn't allow for it so we had to sell something."

That pissed off Durza so much that he couldn't even figure out what to say for three minutes. Then, he decided to talk to the prisoner instead.

"Listen up elf," Durza said. "Tell me all about your cities and their locations, and everything you know about magic."

"No," Arya said.

Durza was flabbergasted. "What? But that's impossible! You're in our house, well prison actually, and that means that you, as an elf have to obey what we say."

"No I don't," Arya said.

"But it says so right here!" Durza said. He held up a copy of _Artemis Fowl. _"This book has all the secrets of the faeries, and that includes elves." As a matter of fact, Durza had captured Arya by waiting at an old oak tree near a river under the full moon. Arya had actually came there to wash the dragon egg, but Durza didn't know that.

"Um, about that," the guard said. "It turns out that those books are entirely fictional and have no real life resemblance at all."

Durza couldn't believe it. He had put up an add on an online site saying _Imperial businessman will pay a large sum of Imperial Crowns to meet a fairy, leprechaun, or elf. _Most of his subsequent searches had been fraudulent, but one of them in a town called Fo Chi Min in Surda seemed to have paid off, where Durza bribed some hobo by the name of Eoin Colfer for the book which he though would solve all of his problems.

Apparently, all that effort had been wasted.

"Regardless elf," Durza said after he had regained his composure. "You will have to- wait no, I don't mean to, just keep quite okay." Durza said this while tapping his ear like there was an earpiece there, though there was clearly nothing.

"What are you doing?" Arya asked.

"It's that guy that I'm possessing," Durza said. "He still somehow manages to control part of this body, and he goes around singing the Pokemon theme song all the time in our head and he won't stop talking about My Little Pony."

Durza spent most of an hour talking like that to Carsaig. Apparently, the guards were used to this and it was really their only source of amusement besides playing the Pokemon TCG so more guards gathered round from everywhere to see Durza arguing with himself. Arya probably could've escaped from the place like five dozen times, but thought that it would be way too much effort and that she should probably just wait for the main characters to show up.

Finally, Durza stopped talking to himself. Then, he decided that he was just going to read the elf's mind to figure out all of her secrets. Surprisingly though, he couldn't and he got absolutely nothing while trying. And for some reason, Arya had a red wig on this time.

"I'm cosplaying as Isabella Swan," she said. "That means that you can't read my mind."

"HOW THE HELL DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE?" Durza shouted.

Suddenly, Arya thought of something. "Do you- do you sparkle in the sunlight?"

"Of course not!" Just then, as if right on cue, sunlight from the window touched Durza and his skin began sparkling in all sorts of different colors including blue, red, and green. He then realized what had happened and turned to the soldiers assembled there who were giggling behind his back.

"Okay, which one of you *bleeped* *bleeps* put glitter into my moisturizer?" No one confessed and instead they all began laughing even harder.

Once Durza was done swearing after half an hour and had removed all the glitter from his person, one of the guards spoke up.

"We've decided as a union, that since the elf isn't going to escape, that there will be no guard duty around her." All of the soldiers, including the guard, left. Durza sighed, he had absolutely no one to talk to now. He then decided to check up on what Team Ra'zac was doing.

Durza dialed the number. Both of them showed up.

"To unite the world from-"

"YES WE GET IT ALREADY!" Durza shouted at them. That was like the millionth time that they had said their theme. "What is the status in retrieving the dragon egg."

"We have a lead sir," James said. "And we're tailing it." Durza nodded and ended the call. To be honest, he had been hoping that those guys had failed so that he could shout at them and relieve some of his rage, but he was clearly not going to get that luxury either. He just hung his head their because he had just gotten really depressed.

But then, he perked up. There was possibly one silver lining to this situation.

"So," Durza said to Arya who was still dressed up as that Twilight chick. "Wanna go out? We'd look great together."

...

...

"Get lost loser," she said.

* * *

Meanwhile, back at Carvahall Roran was watching the news on his flat screen television. Did he really care about the news? Of course not! And you wouldn't either if you lived in Carvahall. Seriously, who even cares about a town full of weed-smoking hobos?

What he watched the news for was Katrina, who was the reporter and like all the reporters on Carvahall News, dressed up as slutty as possible in order to get some viewers. Of course, that meant that they never ever said any real news, but who cared?

Katrina finally came up on the screen wearing a way too revealing outfit. "So, in further news today, most people around Carvahall continued to act like idiots. Most of the time, it did not turn out well. For further details, please consult your mirror."

Roran cheered before there was an explosion and two people jumped in through the windows instead of walking through the door, which was open, for some reason. They then began saying some sort of theme song or something while Roran went to the kitchen to fix up a snack.

"Hey, you don't just go and ignore us like this," Jessie said. "So shut up and hand over Pikabloo, I mean Saphira."

"Who?" Roran asked.

All of them then got into some sort of weird and confusing argument that no one really understood. So, that is where we leave off at this chapter.

* * *

"Wait a minute," Eragon said. "That's it? How can that be it? I wasn't even mentioned in this chapter. How can they have a chapter without me? Like hello, I am the main character of this whole story. There's no way that anyone would want to read about something from some of the other loser's point of view."

"Actually," Brom said, "Eragon, all of the books except the first one are going to have stuff from other people's POV."

Just then Eragon began flipping through Eldest. "What? There are chapters that are entirely devoted to that jerk Roran? Why?"

**A/N: And so we end this chapter. Next time, we really will be focussing on Eragon more, even though nobody really cares about him.**

**As for that, let me address some of my reviewers by name. I would like to thank those who have continued to review, including Dragonlord Stephi and Insane PJO LOver 93. Also, cassowary, was Eragon a ripoff of Pokemon all along? I'm not sure, I mean, lots of people already think it was ripped off of Star Wars and The Lord of the Rings, but anyway, I guess the world will never know.**

**By the way, if you like this, do review. What was your favorite character up till now? While I like getting detailed reviews, I suppose if this made you laugh you can just type in LOL in the review box and even leave it at that.**

**Until next time. **


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: So, there's one thing I'd like to say first. Thanks to all those who reviewed, and to Insane PJOLOver 93, I'd like nothing more than to update the Heroes of Olympus Parody. The thing is though, I'm finding it hard to write the next chapter for that, mainly because I'd focussed on Percy's adventures and not so much on Jason's, so I'm sort of out of ideas on how to form Jason, Leo, and Piper. I sort of have some ideas, but they haven't really formed right enough for me to write a new chapter, and I'd seriously like to do the Lost Hero before continuing on with the Son of Neptune. Honestly, it is easier to sort of work with these projects where I sort of have an idea of what I'm going to do, but I'll try to get on to it.**

**And to everyone else, sorry for that extremely long author's note which probably made no sense at all to most of you.**

Once Eragon had gotten over sobbing like a little girl, Brom decided to discuss further news with him.

"Interesting," Brom said. "It appears that Team Ra'zac have now gone to your house."

"Awesome!" Eragon said. "Now they'll like totally get rid of both Garrow and that jerk Roran and burn down the house as well and I'll get back my fortune. It might cost a bit to rebuild it, but it's totally worth it."

And so, Team Ra'zac went and got rid of both Garrow and Roran and Eragon won back his inheritance and lived happily ever after so he ended up selling Saphira to the Empire in order to live lavishly, and that left this parody ending at only around four chapters very unsatisfactorily.

Just kidding.

"Err," Brom said. "Actually they've all teamed up just so they can hunt you down, so now Team Ra'zac has a lot funding behind it too."

Eragon stuttered while he tried thinking up of a response. Brom took a sip from one of the plastic cups in the oversized doll house, even though there was nothing in it.

"By the way," Brom said. "If there's anything else that you want to know about being a Dragon Rider, you can totally ask me. You know, I used to be a Rider like you, but then I took an arrow to the dragon."

"Really?" Eragon asked. "Your dragon's dead? That's so sad."

"No," Brom said. Brom leaned closer across the table. "Thing is, she never really died. See, what really happened was that she had this sort of crazy night with this magical horse, and then she got pregnant."

"What?" Eragon asked.

Brom nodded. "Yeah, I couldn't believe it either, but it is true. So, obviously we couldn't go around and let everyone know about it, you know, because the baby was born out of wedlock."

"Yeah," Eragon said sarcastically. "There's nothing wrong or weird in any way with a horse and a dragon having a baby, the problem was that they weren't married."

Brom nodded, obviously not noting the sarcasm. "So, to save her from the humiliation of that, we faked her death together and she gave birth. Right now she goes around hanging around somewhere around the mountains, but the kid's still out back. Come on, let me show you."

Eragon walked towards the backyard of the house apprehensively. He really couldn't see how Brom could have hidden a half dragon/horse hybrid in his backyard, but then again, nobody really visited Brom.

When Eragon saw the creature, his jaw dropped. He was left speechless.

For one, Eragon had been expecting that it would be something cool, kind of like a reptilian winged horse, sort of like the Threstals from Harry Potter. This thing didn't even look anything like that.

First of all, it had the vague shape of really giant, fat cow. It even had something like an udder which was dragging across the ground because its stomach was so huge. It was covered with some weird blue scales, and had a really deformed mouth and some wings that were so small Eragon knew that there was no way that it could fly given its body weight.

When Eragon's mouth finally started working, he asked, "Can it breathe fire?"

Brom nodded. "Yeah, but only through the other end."

As if to prove Brom's point, the thing just farted fire and burnt part of the grass behind it.

Brom wiped a tear from his eye. "Isn't he beautiful?"

"He?" Eragon asked. "How do you know that that thing is a he?"

Brom shrugged. "We really couldn't tell, but when he came out he said that he was a he. Unless you want to go and check for yourself."

Eragon shook his head. "How does it look like a cow? I thought it- I mean his father was a horse?"

Brom shrugged. "We don't really know, probably the father had some cow blood somewhere. Isn't he just beautiful?"

Eragon was sure that had to be a rhetoric question until he saw that Brom wasn't joking. Just then, Eragon felt someone talking to him telepathically. Of course the thing could talk.

"What's his name?" Eragon asked. _Bob_, the creature replied. "Why Bob?"

"Why Bob?" Brom asked as if this was a dumb question. "Eragon, Bob is the name among names. It is amazing, it is perfect, it is the king of names, it is the epitome of naming, it is harmonious, it is BOB. The perfect name for a perfect kid."

"Uh-huh," Eragon said. His legs started feeling weak and he wasn't sure that he could go and take much more, so they went back inside.

"So," Brom said. "I guess you're going to go and try and tackle Team Ra'zac by yourself. I suppose then I should give you some advice, and some training too."

Eragon agreed to it, if only to take his mind off of Bob.

"The Ra'zac have two forms," Brom said. "See, the Ra'zac are what everyone hates the most: vegans."

Eragon gasped. "The horror!"

Brom nodded. "That's right, they are vegans. But that's not the only thing, I mean, even the elves are vegans but to cap it all off they're environmentalists as well, and they're probably communists on top of that so pretty much everyone hates them. That's how humans got here in Alagaesia, because they were running away from them, but then they caught up. So anyway, most of them have died out for various reasons, but those two are still left. Since they make excellent comic relief characters, Galbatorix hired them as his personal dragon egg hunters. They do have some weaknesses though. For one, they always remained cloaked and they won't go out in sunlight."

"Why?" Eragon asked. "Does sunlight make them burn up and turn to ashes?"

"No Eragon, they don't burn up when they're exposed to sunlight," Brom said. "They just sparkle. So anyway, they remain weak and pathetic until they're twenty and they turn into something really hard to pronounce so I don't remember the name, and they become sort of like dragons."

"So, they're weak until they hit 20 and then they become really strong like dragons?" Eragon asked. "What are they, Magikarp?"

"Anyway, this is time for your training," Brom said. He handed Eragon a blindfold. "Wear this. I'm going to throw ping pong balls at you while you try to block them with Zar'roc."

"How can I do that if I'm blindfolded?" Eragon asked.

"You can just trust your instinct," Brom said. "This exercise will help you become one with the Force."

Unfortunately, Eragon was gullible enough to believe Brom. As we all know, there's nothing known as the Force and the whole 'training' was just an excuse for Brom to pelt Eragon with ping pong balls. Bob stuck his head through a window and joined Brom in making fun of Eragon, and then they made a video and uploaded it which got like 5 million hits in twenty minutes. After three hours Brom finally took pity on Eragon and said that training was over.

"But I don't feel any different," Eragon said.

"You will, soon, young Jedi," Brom said.

"What are Jedi?" Eragon asked.

"You don't need to know that," Brom said. "So anyway, while you're on your way to go and tackle Team Ra'zac-"

"Why do I have to fight them?" Eragon asked. "I mean, I could just go on my way and ignore them."

"Yeah, but they are at what used to be your house, and Saphira is there and you can't be the main character without her" Brom said. "And while you're going there, I need you to take Bob with you. He gets bored cooped up in the backyard all the time. Don't worry though, I'll put a spell on him that will make him look like a normal horse."

Eragon wasn't so sure, but he agreed. "How did you learn magic?"

"The same way that all Riders learned magic," Brom said. "I attended Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. See, that's my diploma on the wall."

Eragon turned his attention to a piece of paper attached to the wall. Eragon seriously doubted that the thing was real, because for one the paper wasn't even cut out right, it was written on with crayon, and the name of the school was Hug Warts for some reason.

Still, he supposed he did have to go and rescue Saphira, so he agreed to the whole thing.

As Eragon was walking and dragging Bob along, he noticed that he could see Bob just fine. He assumed this was because he was a Rider, but the comments of the people in Carvahall seemed strange. And by strange, he meant stranger than usual.

"Whoa, I think that's enough weed for one day."

"Mommy, that boy has a mutant cow!"

"Whoa, that cow sure is ugly. I wonder if its part dragon."

"Heh, now that I think about it the cow and Eragon sort of look the same. Nah, Eragon's uglier."

Eragon nearly wanted to kill himself after listening to that last remark, and it was then that he figured that Brom had messed up completely with the spell. He did make sure not to trail behind Bob though, because he had seen what that rear end could do.

_So, my name is Bob, what's your name?_

"I know that already, and my name is Eragon," Eragon said.

_Bob is wondering if that's a rip-off of Aragorn. By the way, Bob is happy to be with you on this nice summer day._

Who's Aragorn? Eragon thought to himself. And great, Bob refers to himself in the third person.

As they continued talking though, Eragon couldn't but tell how happy Bob was. He then realized something.

Bob was the offspring of a dragon and a horse, was ugly, no one really seemed to care about him except Brom and his parents, and was clearly a monstrosity.

And yet, he was happier and led a more fulfilling life than Eragon.

_Bob is wondering why Eragon is crying. Did Bob say something wrong?_

Before Eragon could reply, an arrow whizzed past them and landed near Eragon's ear. He turned around to see Sloan.

Oh no, Eragon thought. It's that time of the year again.

I suppose at this point an explanation is necessary. You see, once a year, Sloan would embark on what he'd call the Hunt. He'd go and get drunk, and start shooting whatever wildlife was around him in a blind rage.

"Beef!" Sloan screamed and knocked another arrow. This made Bob extremely uncomfortable, and he began flapping his wings before Eragon could protest.

Eragon had thought that Bob's wings couldn't possibly help him fly, but it turned out he was dead wrong. And since Eragon was tied to Bob, Eragon began floating as well.

Bob began flying around like crazy until Eragon calmed him down with his mind and told him to go towards Eragon's old house. Bob obliged and headed over there, with Eragon still hanging by a rope.

Along the way, Eragon was probably smashed into at least twelve different trees and some birds pooped on him. His arms were getting tired, but the house was in sight.

_Bob hopes that Bob can make a good landing. Bob's never flown before._

Before Eragon could respond, Bob completely smashed into the roof of the place.

_Don't worry, Bob is unharmed. _Bob said after the debris had cleared.

Eragon on the other hand had been bruised in twelve different places and had several cuts. Before he could do anything about his wounds though, some theme music started playing and two hooded figures walked out. They had Saphira in a cage.

_Come on you doofus, rescue me!_ Saphira shouted at Eragon.

"Team Ra'zac," Eragon said.

"That's right," James said. "So we're going to take Saphira and give her back to Galbatorix."

"Then why didn't you?" Eragon asked. "I mean, why'd you bother waiting for me to show up? Why not just take her and give her to Galbatorix, I mean you guys probably could've been halfway to Urubaen by now?"

Jessie and James were left speechless.

"Um," James said.

"Well, we are the comic relief," Jessie said. "How much can you possibly expect from us?"

So, on that note Jessie and James summoned a huge hot air ballon so that they could get away.

"Where'd you get the money for the balloon?" Eragon asked.

"Roran lent it to us," James said.

"Then why a ballon of all things?" Eragon asked. "Like seriously, why not something like a helicopter loaded with weapons or a jet plane or something like that."

Once again, Team Ra'zac had no answer.

_Stop asking dumb questions and get me away from these creeps, _Saphira said.

Eragon picked up the nearest bow and arrow and tried to fire it, but the weapon crumbled to dust in his hands. He then remembered what Brom said, that Zar'roc wouldn't let him use another weapon besides it.

Eragon sighed and drew Zar'roc, and threw it as hard as he could at the balloon. Somehow, the blade turned in mid-air and did a total one eighty, and then came back at Eragon with twice the speed. Eragon dodged it, and if he hadn't it would have cut him in two.

"Brom was right!" Eragon said. "That sword really is cursed!"

_Do not worry, for Bob is here. Bob will get back Saphira for you._

Bob then flew up and rammed his head into the balloon, punching a hole in it. James dropped the cage holding Saphira which Bob caught in his mouth, and then the balloon collapsed and let out a lot of air and disappeared into the horizon, with a last shout, "Team Ra'zac is blasting off again!"

Eragon would never admit it out loud, but it was the most heroic thing he had ever seen. Bob landed and Eragon got Saphira out of the cage.

_Bob was amazing, wasn't he? Don't worry if you're not at Bob's level Eragon, Bob will make you his sidekick._

"Wait," Eragon said. "You're making me your sidekick?"

_Do not be so surprised Eragon. Bob knows that Eragon isn't worthy of being Bob's sidekick, but Bob will allow it anyway and take Eragon under Bob's wing. Bob will make sure to train Eragon properly._

It was then that Eragon realized that this cow thing called Bob was cooler and more heroic than he was, and he was going to end up being Bob's sidekick.

And it was then that Eragon fainted out of shock. And oh yeah, the fact that he had lost a lot of blood probably had something to do with it too.

**A/N: And there ends our fourth chapter. If you found any of this funny, and don't have the time to type out a review, just write LOL in the review box.**

**And oh yes, this story will now feature Bob as the main character, with Eragon taking a secondary role because no one cares about him. (Just kidding.) **

**Until next time, and tell me how you liked Bob.**


	5. Chapter 5

Eragon was unconscious. Various dreams popped out of him being chased by gummy bears, of him having his head plunged into a toilet, of being turned into a hamster and being attacked by eagles, you know, that stuff. If psychologists were to examine these dreams, they might see it as metaphors for Eragon's existence and the various other entities as life's problems, you know, like Roran and Garrow. Eragon would refer to them as 'bad dweams'.

But, while this sort of weird stuff was going on, Eragon felt his mind drift and his thoughts became unnaturally clear. He became excited, he knew what was happening. He was about to have some sort of dream that would predict the future, and though it probably wouldn't be mentioned for the next five hundred chapters or so it would end up foreshadowing the end of his journey.

Of course, that meant that he would be able to gain some real advice. He was sure that this dream would reveal secrets to finally beating that jerk Roran and winning his nearly impossible quest.

Eragon tingled with excitement, wondering what sort of wisdom the dream would impart to him.

_There was a vision of a hill. It was made up of these weird sort of ovals that were colored every color of the rainbow._

_A white rabbit was trudging along the path, clearly very hungry and exhausted. But there was no food in sight, no food for miles. After trudging for what seemed like forever, the rabbit finally saw something. It was a small plastic bowl, a bowl of multicolored spheres like on the ground below, though with milk. He reached for it, but someone snatched it away from him._

_It was a group of kids. They were kids, but they somehow looked evil. The rabbit was now on his knees, begging for the bowl. But the kids wouldn't give it to him, and they kept on chanting one phrase: "Silly Rabbit! Trix are for kids!"_

Eragon woke up with a start as his dream ended, and he couldn't but help keep crying. After all, those cruel kids, and the way they kept saying "Silly Rabbit! Trix are for kids!" kept ringing in his head. Why couldn't they just go and give him some yoghurt or something?

After a few minutes Eragon finally noticed that he was lying on the floor. Really, the floor, was a bed too expensive? And more importantly, why was he naked? For a second he thought that he had ended up like Harry Potter at the end of the Seventh Book at that weird station and all, but when he tried imagining some clothes it didn't happen.

He glance around to see that he was lying on the floor of a dimly lit room. Most of his cuts seemed to have healed though they still hurt like crazy.

Just then, Katrina walked into the room. "So you're awake now?"

Then, Eragon did the math. No one in Carvahall would have possibly taken him in if he had been injured except... Sloan.

"Oh no," Eragon gasped. "And why was I naked? Is this Sloan's house?"

"No," Katrina said. "Daddy actually got arrested. Apparently it is illegal in Carvahall to hunt half-dragon half-cow hybrids without a permit. If only it had been a half-cow half-horse hybrid, then it would've been fine to hunt without a permit, but who could possibly testify to that?"

Eragon realized that she was talking about Bob, and he also realized that he now had the power to free Sloan. He didn't. Why? Simply because keeping that pervert locked up would be pretty convenient for him.

"So," Eragon asked. "Why am I here?"

"Oh, that's a long story," Katrina said. "You see, nobody in town, not even Gertrude wanted to keep you so they all decided to abandon your body for dead after they took your clothes."

Eragon shuddered. Gertrude was this crazy old hag who called herself the town's 'healer' but all she really did was apply band-aids to everything. Yup, for everything, regardless of what you had. You had a heart attack, you got a band-aid. You had a cold, you got a band-aid. You had just suffered a stroke, you got a band-aid. Like seriously, what did she think she was doing? Hello, this was a fanfiction, not a manga or anime where band-aids magically healed everything.

And not even she wanted to keep Eragon. "So where is this place?"

"This is some old warehouse," Katrina said. "It is sort of a long story, but I decided to quit my job as a reporter and study medicine because it would totally add to my hotness. So, I took you in."

Eragon nearly cried again. He had always known that Katrina was one of the few people in Carvahall with half a brain (only half because after all, she was dating Roran), but this was clear proof that she didn't hate him and was actually kind. It then occurred to him that he wasn't wearing anything and that this could very well turn into some serious KatrinaxEragon shipping.

"Has Roran joined the army yet?" Eragon asked.

"No, why would he?"

Eragon wasn't sure why, but the thing was that he had had this odd dream which seemed to be a movie very loosely based on him where Roran seemed to join the army for some reason. He had hoped that meant that he could fight and totally trash him later on, but clearly that wasn't going to happen. But then, he got an idea.

"Um, you know about the half-dragon half-cow hybrid? Roran tried to hunt it as well, so I guess they're going to have to arrest him too." Eragon said. He thought by lying he could force the police to arrest Roran and since Roran was disabled and technically under Garrow's care, that meant that Garrow would go too. And since all of Carvahall's prisoners were eventually shipped off to Nasuada Island (Nasuada Island is named after Nasuada who lives there. You see, prisoners there have to do nothing all day except tell her how beautiful she is, because she's been suffering from low self esteem lately. The job is too much to take and eventually all of the prisoners die), that meant that Eragon could finally get his fortune back.

"Maybe, but the thing is that that would mean that Garrow would get arrested too," Katrina said. "And he won't let that happen since he now owns the police department."

"What?" Eragon said. "Since when?"

"Since he took over your fortune."

"No, I mean how do you go ahead and buy the police department?" Eragon asked.

"You can go and buy shares in it like any other company, and now Garrow owns 51%," Katrina said. Eragon was in a daze, he had always known Carvahall's criminal justice system, like everything else in Carvahall, was messed up, but not to that extent. "You should hear him brag about it, he thinks he's the Godfather of Carvahall now."

"Pfft," Eragon said. "If he's the Godfather, then I'm Artemis Fowl."

Katrina took out a bag that she had been carrying and took out various things from it: a pickaxe, a scalpel, a spoon, and a chainsaw. And all of them were rusty.

"The townsfolk agreed to let me keep you if I dissected you after you died from your injuries. So, they gave me all these rusty tools to help me do it and said it would be best to do it while you were still sort of alive."

Eragon was nearly speechless. "Are... are you serious?"

"Of course not," Katrina said. "Silly Eragon, they didn't ask me to dissect you."

Eragon sighed out of relief. She had nearly had him there. Of course the townsfolk weren't _that _bad.

"They wanted me to dissect you without anesthisia, harvest your organs, and then sell them on the black money. Then, they were going to use that money to start a weed farm," Katrina said.

That's it, Eragon thought. When Saphira grows to full size, I'm going to totally burn this whole place down.

"So, I'm going now," Eragon said.

Katrina looked disappointed. "So, that means I can't dissect you?"

"No- why would you even, I'm still alive!"

"So, if you're alive it is wrong to dissect you?" Katrina asked. She sounded genuinely confused about the issue.

"I take back what I thought about you being nice!" Eragon screamed and ran out of the place.

The moral of the story is this: Don't ship KatrinaxEragon. It will just end badly.

* * *

So, Eragon was running outside in the cold with only a blanket which meant that he would die from cold within two hours. He was so shocked by the whole deal with Katrina that he was running around with his eyes closed, which was probably a bad idea considering how many misfortunes happened to him when he was paying attention and had them open.

He bumped into someone and opened his eyes to find Brom over there.

"Hey," Brom said.

"What do you mean hey!" Eragon asked. "When I was wounded why didn't you help me?"

"I did," Brom said. "You see, it turns out I got that spell for shielding Bob wrong, and instead it was a healing spell on you. That's why you didn't die and your wounds actually healed."

Instead of being thankful though, Eragon was so angry that he punched Brom. "You're absolutely useless! You don't know magic and your degree from Hogwarts is fake!"

Brom gasped. "How did you know that my degree is fake?"

"It's written in crayon, stupid," Eragon said.

"Well," Brom said. "I can do magic. Watch me make it rain." He inhaled and chanted: "Rain, rain, go away, come again another day."

The moment he said this, it started pouring down like nothing. It was as if the entire ocean had evaporated and poured down on their heads.

"Make it stop!" Eragon shouted.

Brom shouted something else that was stupid and the torrential downpour ceased.

"Okay, how come that worked without the Ancient Language?" Eragon asked.

"Say what now?" Brom asked.

"You know, the Ancient Language that the Grey Folk invented which controls magic somehow?" Eragon asked.

Brom began laughing so hard he fell over. "You actually believed that nonsense?"

You see, when Eragon had been a bit younger Brom had sold him a book that was all about magic, or so he claimed. In reality it was just Brom's way of conning Eragon to fork over some cash so he could buy some vodka.

"They have to rhyme," Brom said in-between breaths. "Also, I've never been really good with them so the exact opposite happens of what I intend to do."

"Okay," Brom said five minutes later once he had stopped chuckling. "This is how magic works in real life. You see, everyone in this world has a certain amount of mana points and hit points. When your hit points run out you die, and your mana points help you cast spells. As you kill enemies you will gain exp points which will help you level up and give you access to more powerful spells and more mana. Plus, spells have something called their cooldown which-"

"None of that makes sense," Eragon said.

"Oh," Brom said. "Then I suppose that was something I read about in a video game. Man, eating so many Oreos messes up your mind a lot."

"Just die," Eragon said. "And don't bother coming back to life like Gandalf did."

"Right," Brom said. "So right now I have to tell you the origin of Dragon Riders and why Galbatorix existed and all that stuff which is related to the plot somehow. So listen carefully. You see, long ago the elves were a peaceful race who didn't do much things that were weird, except maybe for sneaking into shops and breaking other people's pottery." Brom paused. "Or maybe I'm thinking of another video game. Anyway, the elves lived in peace in harmony and so did the dragons."

"What about the dwarves?" Eragon asked.

"Shh," Brom said. "They don't like to be called dwarves. Call them the 'vertically impaired'. And anyway, nobody cares about them since they can't even bond with dragons or anything. So anyway, one day what happened was that an elf hunted a dragon. He hunted it like he would a wild animal. Not that anyone really cared since that particular dragon was a hippie dragon and no one cares about them, so I guess you could say that the whole incident had nothing to do whatsoever with the plot and just wasted our time. So anyway, one time there came an elf by the name of Eragon."

"Yippie," Eragon said. "That's the person who I was named after. I heard he was all heroic and stuff from my mom."

"Yeahhh," Brom said, "the thing is that your mother lied. You see, Eragon was this total loser elf. Before he was born though, the elves and the dragons were at war."

"Why?" Eragon asked.

"No one know for sure," Brom said, "but the leading theory is that it involved a muffin somehow. You see, elves are just crazy about muffins. So someone says that a dragon ate an elf's muffins once and then the whole thing escalated into an all-out war killing thousands."

"So many died over a muffin?" Eragon asked.

Brom shook his head. "It wasn't just a muffin Eragon. It was a CHOCOLATE muffin. So it was kind of worth it. Anywho, Eragon was this really unlucky elf who got into trouble and was a total loser."

Eragon could relate to that. "But then he goes and becomes totally awesome right."

Brom ignored him. "So, one day he did what will probably be forever known as the biggest screw up in all of history. He found a dragon egg and thought it was a regular egg and decided to cook it like an omelet. When he cracked the egg though a dragon came out, fully born."

"He's just like me," Eragon said. "He was born unlucky, found a dragon egg, and somehow managed to make this weird spell that bonded them together. when what he wanted was to save himself from the dragon because he thought it would attack because he tried to eat it. No one knows how he did it or why, but thanks to that idiot dragons and elves had to go around and mentally bond with each other for some reason."

"Aren't the Dragon Riders good?" Eragon asked.

"You wish," Brom said. "They're the greatest travesty to Alagaesia in history. I mean look at what they did. They're a total gang of rebels who listen to no one. Not to mention they go on drinking sprees and such and burn down towns with their dragons. I mean it is totally awesome for us, but not for other people. We're sort of like super heroes, but we really don't fight villains and just mess stuff up. So anyway, a human was born later with the name Eragon too, and apparently only people named Eragon can alter the spell so he made it so that humans were bound to dragons too."

"Oh," Eragon said. "Maybe I'll make it so that urgals and dw- the vertically impaired can join too."

"Pfft," Brom said. "As if. So anyway, what happened was that eventually both Eragons were eaten by their dragons. I mean, it killed the dragons also, but the thing was that the Eragons were so annoying that it was better than staying alive."

Eragon turned pale. "Will that happen to me too."

"Impossible," Brom said with a smile. "Saphira can't kill you."

Eragon breathed out of relief.

"She can't kill you because you picked up Zar'roc," Brom said. "And as everyone knows now your soul belongs to that sword so the only thing that can kill you now is that sword."

Just then Zar'roc appeared right next to Eragon.

"So anyway," Brom said. "It's time to talk about Galbatorix. You see, he used to be a Rider just like you and me. Well, maybe not like you. But anyway, he was the best of the best, and was said to become the next Dragon Warrior or something like that. But then, something tragic happened. One day he was invited as an actor in a movie to play the role of a villain, and something terrible happened. The most terrible thing that can happen to a Dragon Rider, something that would destroy his mind completely."

"No," Eragon said. "You don't mean..."

"Yes," Brom said. "A terrible accident happened, and he, he, he became bald."

Eragon gasped. "The horror!"

"Exactly," Brom nodded sympathetically. "He became bald, and his hair would never grow back. So he was doomed to be bald forever. This ended up driving him to complete madness, and his dragon Shruikan as well. He wandered around aimlessly, and then decided that he would have to take revenge. He overthrew the Dragon Riders and crowned himself king, because that was obviously the only logical thing that he could possibly do. He then ordered that all hair be hunted down, before he realized that it had already been done in Bobobo-bo Bo-bobo and so he was forced to simply remain bald."

**A/N: And that ends our chapter. I found it really odd that the Eragon movie makers decided to make Galbatorix bald for some reason. Like seriously, why did they make him bald? He's supposed to be an immortal Dragon Rider, but I suppose they did make a lot of errors anyway. At least it gave this fanfic a plot point.**

**So, do rate and review, even a simple LOL will do.**


End file.
